"Threshold Reckoning"

I recently submitted to (and got rejected from) a writing opportunity with the theme "threshold reckoning". While I don't mind the rejection, it got me thinking about thresholds, to the point where about half of the plane ride back to the US was spent examining them. So here's a short essay/ramble.

Thresholds are moments that permanently alter your life's course, diverge from your current timeline and forge their own path. They can be quite obvious: graduations, new jobs, moving to new places, getting married, etc. But I've always felt a bit detached in those moments, like they were too contrived. Do we know when we're at a threshold? Or do we just act in the moment and only understand how pivotal these decisions truly were in hindsight?

In my almost-30 years, I think it's a bit of both. Not to be equivocal, but I think when opportunities come along, there is this sense of shock, even dread, like the music is crescendoing and you just need to say "yes" to launch into the next part of the song. In the moment, you're taking a risk with some degree of certainty; even if things don't completely go to plan, it will have been worth something. Then hindsight allows you to replay that moment, appreciate just how critical it was that you said "yes" or "no", crossed the threshold with enough confidence to face what's next.

I think of pivotal moments that resulted in the life I live now. I'll keep the examples semi-professional: attending the Sarah Lawrence College Summer Writers Workshop, accepting my friend's offer to perform at their birthday party, choosing to spend my year abroad at Oxford rather than the Prague Film School, working as a research assistant for a rapid evidence assessment on online trolling—each of these decisions could have been non-starters, but I went along regardless. It felt right, or at least worth trying.

But the decisions don't have to be so monumental; even little choices, like where to go on vacation, or which party to attend, can significantly influence your future. But do they also feel like thresholds?

I don't think so, unless you place far too much stock in the power of every decision you make to change your life. This is excessive, but an easy trap to fall into. You start fixating on what you're missing, what chances you're not taking due to a lack of focus, time or trust. Are you refusing the call? Are you turning away from the threshold altogether? Or are you saving your energy for the real moment?

For now, I've settled on the belief that there are tomorrows innumerable in the word "yes", and also in the word "no" or "not yet". Right now, I don't know how far away I am from a threshold, and who or what awaits me in the fog. And I have to be frank with myself: even after crossing a threshold, the next step is always mine. The work I do after a life-altering decision is what makes it worthwhile.

Events don't just happen to you or in front of you; they are absorbed by you, translated into a miracle of signals that send one foot forward, one hand reaching out, both eyes scanning the horizon for where it all should land.